Inspiration/Torment

I tried twice last night to write one of these things about my recent lack of inspiration, but couldn't get the words out. That is absolutely par for the course. Uninspired by non-inspiration. Not all my dreams are like this one. In college, I had one where I ate fish soup and then had my arm ripped off by a tiger.

I've been bereft of inspiration. I had a dream last night. Dreams are an escape into this unknown, unlocked part of your subconscious; anything can and will happen. I dreamed about a girl I went to community college with, where we shared two classes one semester, about six years ago. Her name was Janessa. She was one of the few girls I had regular conversations with during my two years at College of Dupage. She smoked, I smoked. She laughed, I laughed. She had hair like melting rays of sunlight. I finally got the nerve to ask her out, only to learn she had a boyfriend. I said it was fine; I wasn't interested in that (lie). I put her number into my phone and didn't save it. (She inspired a few songs from my first musical release, Slow Dawn. Specifically, a song called "Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning", which was the amount of time between when I saw her. I later renamed that song. Strangely, the band Spoon later had a song named "Sunday Morning Wednesday Night", but whatever. I was heavily into instrumental ((post-rock)) music at that time. Dynamics, imaginary movies in your mind, heavy on emotions). I haven't thought of her since.

In this dream, we somehow became roommates, in a house somewhat similar to where I grew up. She didn't remember me, I didn't remind her. Not until the last part of my dream did I ask if she remembered me. She sort of did. I asked her out again, only to be told she had a boyfriend. In my dreams, where magical, wonderful, sensational, piquant things can happen, I still lost. Wherein dreams come true, not for me.

I've had dreams like this before, with different characters from my real life; Asha, Suzy, Chrissy, Toni. I have a thing for girls with first names that end with a vowel sound? And they never work out like how you think, in your dreams, they would. Are these all just my regrets and failings coming back to haunt me? Is my past mocking me? Is my mind torturing me with what might have been?

My mind is trying to cope with the fact that I truly cannot change the past. Even in my dreams, where I can, I can't. I've moved on in my real life; it's my dreams that are just now starting to catch up. Or is it the other way around?